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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22691221">Growing Pains</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorMasterD/pseuds/MajorMasterD'>MajorMasterD</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Conversion Therapy Camp, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Human!Loki, Humanverse, MTF Loki, Physical Abuse, Trans Female Character, human!Thor, human!characters</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 10:14:26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>20,507</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22691221</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/MajorMasterD/pseuds/MajorMasterD</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>This is the story about Loki's life as she transitions from the little boy she was born as, into the woman she always was inside. It wasn't always an easy or a good life, but it was her life. Through the ups and down, here is her tale!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Part One</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"Who's the little girl you're drawing, darling?" Frigga had come into Loki's bedroom and crouched behind the little boy was currently dedicated to scribbling upon the piece of paper that was in front of him. It wasn't uncommon for Loki to scrawl out the depictions of his various little imaginary friends. She was so proud of the imagination Loki had, already full of little worlds to play in. Many of the drawings he made were tacked all over the walls of his blue walled room.</p>
<p>"It's me," Loki said once he had finished filling in the purple color of the skirt. His favorite color could change like the breeze, though. </p>
<p>"Oh? Why did you make yourself a girl?" Frigga asked, petting Loki's inky curls. She noted that she would need to give him a trim soon, which she wasn't looking forward to. Loki was an absolute nightmare when the scissors came out.</p>
<p>"Because I think... I think God made a mistake," she said it so seriously, which was shocking as Loki had only just turned five years old.</p>
<p>"Oh, sweetie. God doesn't make mistakes. He made you just how you should be," she kissed the top of his head. "You're perfect and I wouldn't want a thing about you to change," the family was, shockingly, very devoutly Catholic. Frigga and Odin's parents had both been loyal to the pagan faith. It was because of that they had been named after old Norse gods and it was through their parents and their worship that Frigga had met in the first place. Odin had been the first one to convert to Catholicism, with Frigga following shortly behind in his footsteps. Despite the religion they had embrace, though, neither of them could resist following the long standing family tradition of naming the children after Norse gods. So their first son was named Thor and seven years after he was born Loki came into Frigga's arms.</p>
<p>Loki frowned at being told that by Frigga through. "But I don't feel right, mama," Loki insisted and Frigga's brows knitted with worry as she pulled Loki into her lap and hugged him to her.</p>
<p>"Loki, you're just a little thing," she murmured against his hair. "You shouldn't even be worried about things like this," she reached out and took the drawing before setting Loki down again. "You should be thinking about your dragon story that you were telling me," she tried to distract the little boy, who was looking very hurt by her words. Her interest in the story he had been babbling to her at night did make him perk up, though.</p>
<p>"I haven't told Thor about it yet," she admitted. Frigga was always the first to hear his stories, and later the next day Loki would rattle them off to Thor, usually over breakfast.</p>
<p>"I bet you have some dragons you can draw for him," Frigga said and Loki nodded. "Why don't you draw them? Then you can show Thor when he gets home from school," Frigga smiled and Loki nodded, grinning and went to grab another piece of paper. Frigga stood again, glancing to the picture of Loki as a little girl and left the room with it. The paper went straight into the fire, where Odin would never be able to see it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Part Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Thor, bless his heart, had had only good intentions in mind when it came to helping with the clothes washing. In the end many of their white clothes had been died a faint pink and any other clothes with color in them were absolutely ruined by bleach. Frigga had taken it well enough, with little more than a very deep sigh before taking the twelve year old aside to explain to him that she appreciated his attempt to help her, but he was never allowed to touch the washing again. The next day Thor had been sent off to school and Loki got to go on an adventure to the clothes store with Frigga. He had always like shopping with his mother, having learned that if he was good enough she almost always ended up presenting some kind of treat or toy in reward for him staying by her side and not getting into things. </p>
<p>Frigga had learned long ago that Loki didn't do well in the seat of the cart. He got antsy and fussy and over all the shopping experience was just easier if he walked along beside her holding onto her skirt. That was what Loki did for most of the trip as well. He was uninterested in the clothes his mother picked out for herself, for Odin and later for Thor. It was while they were in the children's section, though, that Loki's eyes drifted to the area where the girls clothes were. It was very close to the section that Frigga was scanning for new shorts for the little boy. So engrossed in checking the sizes she didn't notice Loki's hand leave her skirt. In fact, she didn't notice Loki had left at all until she heard rustling and the rattle of the cart where she caught sight of Loki trying to load a heap of clothes he'd picked out for himself into it. </p>
<p>At first Frigga had been more concerned about Loki not choosing the right sized clothes. He was such a small thing, even for his age. Finding clothes that fit him right could be a bit of a task. But then Frigga noticed the <i>choice</i> of the clothes Loki had picked out and she frowned. A couple weeks had gone by since the incident with the drawing, and she thought the matter had been forgotten. Except now she was picking up different kinds of skirts and blouses from the messy pile Loki had dropped into the cart. "Dear, we have to put all these back," she said to him, petting his hair. He only looked up at her with wide, green eyes.</p>
<p>"I tried them on before I picked them out," Loki protested and Frigga only sighed lightly. It would be <i>just</i> like Loki to just strip down in the middle of a store to try on clothes. The boy had no concept of modesty. There was nothing she could do about that, but now she had been robbed of her original excuse to go put them all away. </p>
<p>"Darling, we still have to put them back," Frigga insisted, kneeling down to face him on his level. "These are all girl clothes. They're not meant for little boys like you," she tapped her finger on his nose, making him cross his eyes and scrunch his nose before he pouted at her. Lower lip jut out and eyes determined.</p>
<p>"But they're what I want," Loki insisted. </p>
<p>"Loki, you can't wear girls clothes. It's not appropriate for a little boy," Frigga stood again, picking clothes out of the cart and folding them to put them back where they belonged. Loki stamped his foot, tiny fists at his sides.</p>
<p>"I <i>want</i> those clothes. I don't like the ones you picked," his face was starting to turn pink with upset and Frigga frowned lightly.</p>
<p>"Then we can find different ones you like, in the boys section," she said and Loki huffed.</p>
<p>"I don't want any of those clothes. I want the ones <i>I</i> picked," she demanded, not understanding why she was being denied. Frigga had even said before they left Loki could get new clothes <i>he</i> liked. He felt lied to, in that moment, that Frigga was breaking her word.</p>
<p>"Loki, you're not getting girls clothes," Frigga insisted in a firmer tone. Loki's eyes well with frustrated tears which were quick to spill down his cheeks.</p>
<p>"You <i>said</i> I could have the clothes I wanted," he pointed out.</p>
<p>"From the boys section," Frigga hadn't said it at the time, but she hadn't assumed it was going to be a problem. Loki only looked offended and got louder with his protests.</p>
<p>"No! You <i>SAID</i> I could have what <i>I WANTED!</i>" hard little eyes glared up at Frigga who was trying to stay calm.</p>
<p>"Loki, if you don't calm down you're going to have no choice at all in the clothes you get," she warned, but could already tell it was too late. Loki turned to frustrated wailing. He didn't understand what was so wrong with what he picked out. He had even picked a number of the outfits out specifically because Frigga had complimented them when she'd seen them worn by some of Loki's friends when they came over to play. What made it so wrong that they were what he wanted and would make him happy? Why didn't she want him to have something that would make him happy?</p>
<p>His tantrum continued on while Frigga rushed through picking out the rest of the clothes he needed, putting away the girls clothes she was not going to buy for him, and getting through the check out. During it all Loki blubbered occasionally about her lying, about her being unfair and about how he wanted the clothes he had picked out. When the pair finally got home both of them were exhausted, and despite being so upset Loki still could be coaxed into a nap. Sniffling until he finally drifted off while Frigga put away all the new clothes she'd bought for the family.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Part Three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Glorious summer was in full swing for the almost seven year old. What child in their right mind didn't enjoy long days running around the peaceful neighborhood with their friends? However, that July day the heat was oppressive and the children had taken to hanging out at Sif's home in the pleasant embrace of the AC. They entertained themselves for a while with a couple different card games and Loki even got to show off the recent card trick he had been practicing recently. Thor, thirteen at the time, was somewhat reluctant to be the one to actually help Loki pull it off. To him, it seemed like such a stupid thing to be a part of. If it hadn't been for Sif, who was just a year younger, being interested in it he probably would have refused out right. </p>
<p>"This is stupid, can we do something else?" Thor finally complained after their second round of Go Fish.</p>
<p>"Thor's mad he's not winning," Loki teased, and was shoved off the couched by the elder. This resulted in a noisy, tearful reaction until Thor's panic about their parents finding out rose enough he resorted to bribes to calm Loki down. If Loki stopped crying he would get his pick from the candy he kept stashed away. What Thor didn't know was that this had all become a con by Loki. In the beginning the tears <i>had</i> been of real upset, but then he'd figured out that tears got you things. At least in regards to Thor. So now when the opportunity arose for him to work up his crocodile tears, he did. Loki also stored away this new knowledge of Thor having hidden candy away for blackmailing purposes later. Not to mention he needed to find out where it was being stored so he could sneak away more of it. Thor was never particularly clever when it came to hiding things and Loki was confident in his snooping skills that he would sniff it out quickly.</p>
<p>"I've got an idea," Sif said, a devious look of glee crossing over her features. She flipped her long, golden curled over her shoulder before standing up from the floor. "Stay there," she said, heading for the stairs that lead up into the house from the basement play room.</p>
<p>"Bring down some more sodas!" Thor called after her, just before the door into the house closed behind the girl. When she returned she had a cold two liter under one arm, a small duffel bag over her shoulder and large make-up case in in hand. She passed off the drink to Thor who busied himself with filling his glass while Loki took interest in the other things Sif had.</p>
<p>"What's that?" he was already trying to open the bag before Sif had even taken it off her shoulder and she shooed him away before setting it down on the couch and opening it herself.</p>
<p>"I got these the last time I went to Disneyland," which had been when she was around the age Loki was currently, so she figured they would fit him. Maybe even be a tiny bit big on the small kid. With a flourish she lifted out a pretty Alice dress. At the time Alice In Wonderland had been a movie she was obsessed with, and with her pretty blond hair she had looked like a little miniature of the character. Somewhere in the family albums was a picture of her with the Alice from the park while she was in the dress. </p>
<p>Thor had finally turned his focus away from the drink to notice the dress and he made a face. "And what exactly are we going to do with that?"</p>
<p>"We're going to dress up Loki," Sif said matter-of-factly. Loki lit up like this was the <i>best</i> day of his life. Thor suddenly looked unsure.</p>
<p>"I dunno if we should do that," Thor rubbed the back of his neck, but Sif took advantage of Loki's look of absolute glee by standing behind him, hands on his shoulders and pouting at Thor.</p>
<p>"You couldn't say no to this face, could you, Thor? It's just a little dress up. Loki would look super cute! I wish I had a wig for him too," Sif grinned and Thor reluctantly agreed.</p>
<p>"And the box?" he pointed at the make-up case.</p>
<p>"It's my mom's. But I don't think she'll care we use a little of her make-up," Sif explained and Thor made a face.</p>
<p>"As long as you keep that stuff away from me, fine," Thor looked over to Loki who was practically trembling with excitement. It made Thor worry his lower lip. Sif thrust the dress at Loki.</p>
<p>"Go put this on," she said and when Loki began taking her shirt off she swiftly turned him in the direction of the small half bathroom the basement had. "In <i>there,</i> geese, Loki," she rolled her eyes and while Loki was busy dressing she got the make up ready. Loki bounced out of the bathroom when he was ready and did a giddy twirl for the others. The skirt of the dress caught Thor's soda glass though and the drink splashed all over his pants. After the initial surprise of it all, Sif and Loki ended up in a fit of giggles that Thor looked like he wet himself while the elder boy flew into a fit.</p>
<p>"Crap, Loki, now I'm gonna have to shower and mom is going to find out we've been drinking soda," he shouted and Loki gave a sly little smile.</p>
<p>"Noooooooo, she'll know <i>you've</i> been drinking soda," Loki pointed out and went to hide behind Sif when Thor look fit to dump some of the sticky drink on him too.</p>
<p>"Don't you dare, Thor Odinson!" Sif snapped. "If you get my dress dirty I'll kick you in the crotch again," she warned and it was enough to stop Thor from retaliation.</p>
<p>"Screw you both, then. I'm going home," with any luck their mom might be out running errands so he could get the pants in the washer without her finding out about him drinking the soda. After he stormed off, Sif and Loki looked to each other and shrugged. They didn't need Thor for this anyway. Sif had Loki sit on the couch while she did his make up. She was heavy handed on everything involving powder. She gave up half-way through trying to put eyeliner on Loki because he kept flinching and started to look like he was going to cry about it. But having been a religious user of lip gloss over the last year, she did a fine job of applying the long wear lip stain her mother liked to use. The color was a flashy, cherry red. </p>
<p>"Hmm," Sif mumbled as she looked Loki over. He was missing <i>something.</i> It took him nervously picking at his own nails as she scrutinized him for her to figure it out. "You need nail polish!" she finally proclaimed and opened a little drawer on the make-up case. Most of the colors were different shades of darker reds, but in the very back was a pink one that she selected and carefully tried to put on Loki's nails. "God, Loki," she huffed and Loki bristled.</p>
<p>"Don't say that," he warned her. Frigga and Odin had always been strict with the boys about not using God's name in vain. Sif rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>"Whatever, your nails are really tiny. If I didn't know your mom I'd think you didn't eat or something you're so small," she complained and Loki huffed, suddenly feeling self conscious. Still, Sif managed to finish his nails the best she could and after using a paper towel to try and scrape most of the polish off Loki's skin, they didn't look <i>terrible</i> at least. "If you get a speck of polish on my dress though? I'll punch you in the arm," she warned and Loki nodded as he blew on his nails to try and dry them faster. </p>
<p>"Are you finally done? Can I look in the mirror yet?" Loki said, sounding impatient. </p>
<p>"Yeah, sure. Go in the bathroom upstairs, it has a better mirror," she said, but wound up following after him anyway. It was kind of adorable to watch Loki admire himself in the mirror. He looked so happy. Originally Sif had the idea just to have a laugh at putting Loki in a dress, but suddenly she felt kind of warm inside, like she'd done something good. They were distracted by the sound of a Beatles song going off in Sif's living room. It came from the clock on the wall that played random songs every hour. </p>
<p>"What time it is?" Loki asked, suddenly panicking a little. The two rushed out to check the time. Six o' clock. Frigga was going to have his head.</p>
<p>"You can give the dress back later, go home! Maybe if you're not too late you won't get grounded," Sif said, not needing to tell Loki twice as he bolted for the door, barely stopping to grab his shoes, but still running out of the door barefoot. Luckily he had his socks on to spare his feet from the hot concrete and asphalt. He didn't think he'd ever run home so quickly in his life and when he finally got through the front door he was nearly wheezing and rest his hands on his knees while catching his breath. </p>
<p>"Loki Emrik Odinson!" Frigga's voice came from the kitchen. He could heard what sounded like her stirring something on the stove and the house was filled with the smell of dinner. "You know better than to be out so late. And don't think I don't know that you were drinking soda at Sif's place just like Thor was," she scolded and Loki finally caught his breath.</p>
<p>"But I didn't ha-" Loki tried to lie.</p>
<p>"Don't you dare, Loki. Of all the sugar fiends in all the world, you are King among them," Frigga pointed out and Loki frowned. He never could lie to Frigga. "I can hear your father in the driveway now. Go get washed up for dinner. No dessert for <i>either</i> of you boys since you've already had enough sweets," she said and Loki pouted. Frigga had made brownies the other day and had been dealing them out as dessert for the boys and even Odin had gotten a large one packed into his lunch before he'd left for work that morning. Loki soothed himself with remembering Thor's promise of candy, though, and instead plopped onto the couch to take off his now filthy socks. The knob of the door turned and Odin came in noisily with a jangle of keys, shuffling as he kicked off his shoes with a delighted groan and set his suitcase on the little decorative table by the door.</p>
<p>"Welcome home, love! Dinner is almost ready," Frigga said from the kitchen where she was still bustling around cooking. Something was being taken out of the oven and the scent of whatever was cooking only got stronger. </p>
<p>"Welcome home, father!" Loki piped up from the couch as Odin passed the entrance to the living room. At first Odin didn't notice Loki, as the living room was on the same side as his bad eye. Then he actually looked over at his youngest son and froze. The two were silent for a long time and Loki was quickly registering he was in trouble. He should have just kept his mouth shut. He should have just stuck around behind Odin and gone upstairs to wash up like Frigga had wanted him to. He hadn't seen Odin this mad since the time he had come home with a barbie doll that a girl in class had given to him. Odin had broken the doll in half before his eyes and thrown it away in the outside garbage can that Loki couldn't get into. </p>
<p>"What on Earth is all over your face? And what are you wearing?" Odin didn't say it, he <i>roared</i> it. His face was practically purple with rage by the time he reached Loki. Grabbing the boy by the arm and dragging Loki, who yelped all the way to the bathroom. He shoved Loki inside and the boy nearly toppled into the tub while Odin started running the hot water on the sink. "You take that dress off right now," he fumed. By then Frigga was by the door, trying to ask what was wrong but Odin just pushed her back from the bathroom door.</p>
<p>"Odin, what are you yelling about? You don't need to be yelling like that at Loki," she tried to say. </p>
<p>"No! No, I'm sick of this faggotry in my house! It's <i>sick</i> and disgusting and I won't tolerate it," Odin slammed the door and locked it before Frigga could protest anymore. "Go finish dinner," he demanded and rounded on Loki who had undressed and was now sobbing. </p>
<p>"I-I'm sorry," Loki croaked.</p>
<p>"Oh, you'll be sorry," he snatched the dress and tossed it into the corner of the room, hauling Loki over closer to the sink as he wet a rag with the steaming water and started scrubbing roughly at Loki's face to get the make-up off him. He scrubbed until his cheeks were almost as red as the blush that had been on him, but he became frustrated at the lip stain that just wouldn't rub off. So he settled with giving Loki a harsh spanking before letting the boy out of the bathroom. "I don't want to see or hear you until breakfast. So go to your room and be <i>silent,</i>" he snarled. Silence almost seemed impossible for Loki, who felt like he was falling apart inside. Thor had wisely stayed in his room during the shouting, but poked his head out when he heard the noise of Loki's gasp-filled sobbing getting closer. He caught his brother on his way to his room and wrapped him up tight in his arms. Loki trembled against him, crying into his shoulder, body shuddering with hiccups and choked breaths. </p>
<p>Deciding the hall wasn't the best place to be hosting this break down, Thor hefted Loki up easily and took him into Loki's bedroom. Odin was locked in a one sided shouting match with Frigga. His bursts of angry ranting followed up by the softer murmuring of Frigga who was trying to be the calm one in this fiasco. Thor used the time to sooth Loki into control of himself. He helped wipe the snot off his upper lip and got him into pajamas and tucked him into bed. "I'll sneak up dinner for you, and I'll give you five pieces of candy, too. Huh, isn't that fun?" Thor whispered to Loki, who looked pale, except for the places on his face rubbed raw earlier by Odin. He was still shaking and Thor didn't want to leave him but Odin's still mostly angry voice came shouting from downstairs for Thor to come down and eat dinner.</p>
<p>"Will you stay with me tonight?" Loki whimpered, voice barely a whisper to make sure there was no chance Odin would hear.</p>
<p>"Yeah, after father goes to bed I'll come in and stay with you tonight," Thor promised and tucked Loki in. "I'm sorry Loki... I should have stopped Sif," he said, suddenly feeling guilty. Loki only pathetically sniffled and looked miserable as Thor left the room. Dinner conversation that night revolved mostly about what needed to be done to fix Loki. Odin decided he would talk to the Father at their church for guidance on the matter. Thor didn't say a word, but he didn't agree with what Odin was saying. Loki wasn't <i>broken.</i> Surely God wouldn't care if a little boy was talked into dress up. When Sif was Loki's age she wouldn't be caught dead in girls clothes. She <i>still</i> got most of her clothes from the boys section and she wasn't broken. Thor hoped the Father would point similar things out to Odin. </p>
<p>When dinner finally ended Thor hung around in the kitchen to help Frigga with the dishes while Odin stomped off to the living room to watch something on TV. Frigga, taking pity on Loki, helped Thor to make a plate of dinner for the boy which Thor snuck up the stairs to Loki's room. The younger was still sniffling in bed, rubbing at his red eyes to try and fight off the tears that just wouldn't stop. Thor stayed with him until he heard the TV downstairs turn off and he went to his room, only to wait until he heard Odin finally settling down to sleep before sneaking back into Loki's room again. He lay with his little brother, keeping him cuddled close and safe. "You're not broken Loki," he whispered to him. "I know you're not."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Part Four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Being caught playing dress up had wound up leading to an emergency family meeting that also included the Father of their church. The Father then rounded on Loki first. He pulled the boy aside to lecture him in private. "Loki, I was the one who baptized you as a babe," he started off. "I've known you all through your little life and I know for a fact you're not an unintelligent little boy," he stood, so tall and looming over Loki's small body. "That's why it disappoints me so much you would choose to do this. Do you like that you're trying to force your family to hate you?"</p>
<p>"I don't want them to hate me! I-I'm not trying to do anything to them," Loki cried, panicking at the very idea.</p>
<p>"But you are making them hate you. And your Church too, do want them to hate you? For your friends to hate you?" he continued to needle into the other.</p>
<p>"N-No, I don't want anyone to hate me," Loki whimpered.</p>
<p>"Then why do you bring sin into your heart and into this home, which will only breed hate for you? God does not allow a sinner such as you to be loved. The only way to come back into his grace is for you to stop choosing this sin, cast it from your heart and your mind. Cleanse your soul of this dark mark and devote yourself fully to him and his word," he leaned in closer to Loki, his stance so intimidating it made Loki tremble where he stood. "Otherwise you damn yourself to the pits of hell. Do you want to go to hell, Loki?" he asked and Loki shook his head.</p>
<p>"I don't want to go to hell! I don't want to be hated," he sobbed.</p>
<p>"Then you will work to change, and make the right choices in your life. Choose virtue over sin and became a repentant man," he stood straight again and placed his hand on Loki's head. "Confess your sin to me, so I might help you back onto the right path of God," he said and Loki swallowed. </p>
<p>"I-," Loki's mind reeled. He had never done a proper confession before. How did the words go again? It took a moment for him to remember. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned," he gulped, trembling under the father's touch as he sheepishly continued. "I-I have never been to confessional before," he admitted. There were a couple times Odin had threatened to, but something had always come up and the matter was forgotten. His little lies, pranks and misdeeds had never been bad enough to really make Odin care and Frigga had thought confessional was too serious for a little boy to even understand. </p>
<p>"A-and these are my sins," but Loki didn't understand why they were sins. Why did God care? How did this slight God? Why did everyone, including God, hate him for doing something that made him happy? Confusion, anger and fear were all swirling around inside of him. "I... I have dressed in girls clothes, and I have worn make up and enjoyed both. They made me happy. And I have always had thoughts of being happier as a girl. I don't want to be a boy," Loki finally admitted, face flushed with embarrassment for admitting to such private thoughts.</p>
<p>"Loki, you cannot go against God's plan," the Father said. "He made you a man, that is His desire for you. That is your life by His design. It is the path you must never stray from. To go against His will, to turn from him, will only cause you and those around you to suffer," the Father said and the hand on Loki's head forced the boy to look up at him. "For your penance, please pray 100 Hail Mary's," he then paused, waiting for Loki's Act of Contrition. Loki only hesitated slightly, trying to remember what he needed to say from what he had been told by Frigga about this process. He couldn't remember the exact words, so he did his best at saying something that sounded like it would fit.</p>
<p>"God, I am sorry I offended you and I apologize for my sins. I promise to sin no more and avoid the near occasions of sin," he swallowed. "Amen," Loki finished hastily and was silent, holding his breath until the Father gave an approving nod.</p>
<p>"God the Father of mercies, through the death and resurrection of His Son, has reconciled the world to Himself and sent the Holy Spirit among us for the forgiveness of sins. Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace. I absolve you from your sins, in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit," the Father concluded.</p>
<p>"Amen," Loki whispered.</p>
<p>"God has forgiven your sins. Go in peace," the Father urged. </p>
<p>"Thank you, God," Loki said hastily as he left to his room to begin his task of Hail Mary's. With Loki settled for the moment, the Father turned his attention back to Odin. He advised Odin that it would be wise for him to keep Loki away from playing with girls, that it would be helpful for Loki to be surrounded by other boys. The Father also suggested it would be smart to get Loki into a sport of some kind that would help toughen him up. He told Odin that he needed to spend more time bonding with Loki so he would have the proper influence of a man in his life while also encouraging Frigga to step back from Loki. Too much of a mother's coddling could make a boy soft, after all. Finally he gave the contact information for a Church approved therapist and told them weekly visits for the next three months would help him understand the sin he had committed, work through keeping the demons that caused the behavior from returning and be able to keep on the rightful path of God. The Father then left them, and both of Loki's parents went upstairs to peek into his room where he was dutifully still working through the assignment of his Hail Mary's.</p>
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>~-~-~-~-~ * * * ~-~-~-~-~</b>
  </p>
</div><p>Shortly after the meeting with the father, both Thor and Loki had been taken out of their school and transferred to the local boys school. Thor had been allowed to still go out and play with Sif, but Loki was instead set up with play dates with boys from school and church. He'd also been forced to pick playing soccer or baseball, of the two he picked soccer. It seemed less boring. Loki could live with all those new things in his life, it wasn't the worst. What broke his heart was the day he got home and went to his room to find Odin going through his things. In a large trash bag on the floor he was putting his art supplies, stuffed animals, certain other toys and any book that didn't have a strong, male role model in it. His protest against the unfairness of having his stuff thrown away only got him a smack across his mouth and month long grounding.</p>
<p>The most boring part of all the changes in his life were the therapy sessions, though. Every Wednesday, right after school, he was rushed by Frigga to their office across town. The meetings dragged on for an hour. Loki got the impression that his therapist only enjoyed hearing himself speak. He would drone on each time about a different person he had helped by doing different things. It sounded more like bragging. Then he would ask a set number of questions that typically got them no where. Loki didn't feel listened to or cared about. He especially didn't feel helped. It was by the fourth visit Loki had learned to just <i>lie.</i> </p>
<p>If he smiled, nodded, and enthusiastically proclaimed how he had taken the ideas he'd used on other patients and they were working for him then the therapist seemed to glow with his 'victory'. Then Loki would leave with a parting gift of a small prayer and a sticker that had bible verses on it. Loki always threw them away once they got home. This all became routine, until the last session of his three months where the therapist met with both Odin and Frigga. Apparently he gave Loki a glowing review because Odin clapped Loki on the back with pride later took Loki for ice cream. It had been one of the better days in Loki's life.</p>
<p>Despite all the changes made, though, it had never changed how he actually <i>felt.</i> It only changed how he allowed himself to partake in his desires. It made him sneaky. At first it was a little exciting to have his own dirty little secret. To steal away and find time where he could have fun letting himself loose for a little while. But the underlying emotions soon started building. The excitement wore off and left stress over being caught in its wake. A stress led to depression. That lingering confusion over why it was bad twisted with anger and turned into hate. He hated others for making it so he needed to hide. Then he started hating himself because wouldn't it just be better if he <i>did</i> stop this? </p>
<p>If he could just <i>stop</i> then he wouldn't have to worry about making anyone angry or hate him. He wouldn't have to worry about God and hell. He questioned himself constantly. Why was he <i>like</i> this? Why couldn't he just make his life easy? Why did he have to be so disgusting? He trapped himself in a cycle of giving in to what he wanted, feeling the honest joy at seeing himself the way he wished he could be, then being crippled by the disgust, shame and guilt over enjoying such a thing. Something as simple as taking one of Frigga's pretty sun dresses to wear through the house while his mother was out running errands and Odin was at work would have him sobbing. At least until someone got home and he had to force himself to be put together. For the times he would be caught crying, he always blamed it on bullies. Which was believable enough, as he did have a gang of boys that often targeted him because he was so small and book smart.</p>
<p>What was Loki's life. For years he walked in that circle. He lead that double life. One where, for most of the time, he was Loki. The son of Odin and Frigga. Who got top grades in school and had worked hard to become captain of his soccer team. The Loki that hung out with a loyal group of guy friends. Who went to church and was a good boy. The other Loki could only come out an hour or so a couple times a month. Trapped in those moments where no one would be home for a while and he could relish time in a dress, in heels, in make up. The him that would give his most honest laughs and dance around the room and look at himself in the mirror. The him that was <i>her.</i></p>
<p>It was ironic that Loki's second day of doom was also encouraged by Sif. Loki was thirteen then, and typically allowed to stay at home alone. Odin and Frigga had decided to treat themselves to a week long get away, though and Thor was off at college. So they had turned to Sif, who was now Thor's girlfriend, to be Loki's baby sitter. The first two days were spent participating in movie marathons and living off popcorn and candy. Loki was glad they were able to get along as well as they had been. It had almost been a year ago that Loki, in a fit of jealousy over Sif and Thor starting to date, that Loki had chopped off Sif's pretty golden hair while she slept. She'd been forced to turn to a short pixie cut at first, but now her hair was almost to her shoulders again. Loki had been certain Sif would hate him forever for that one. A part of him still hated her for being Thor's girlfriend. Thor had always been <i>Loki's</i> and he didn't appreciate feeling like his brother was being taken away. The idea of him getting married to Sif and starting a family with her made his heart hurt and his blood boil. For how could anyone love Thor the way he deserved and as deeply as Loki did?</p>
<p>Still there <i>was</i> a benefit to having Sif around. More than once, before Thor had left for college and when he would come home for vacations, had Sif ended up leaving clothes in his room or in his car. Sif had a habit of stealing Thor's shirts to go home in. So Loki would collect the left behind clothing and later wear it himself in his private time. His favorites he kept in a bag that he stuffed under his bed and the rest turned up back in Thor's room. The elder always had such a mess, it would be surprising for something to pop up again. </p>
<p>This time was different though. This time Loki suddenly had access to a whole <i>closet</i> of women's clothes that were better suited for his age, unlike the garments he typically borrow from Frigga's closet. This time he had more <i>time</i> to enjoy them. Sif had a work shift right after school, which left Loki alone until almost ten. It was like heaven that Loki could let <i>her</i> out for so long. But half-way through her enjoyment exhaustion hit the teen. Sif and Loki had stayed up late watching movies and Loki had had to stay up even later to finish his homework. So what had started out as reading on Sif's bed turned into Loki falling asleep on Sif's bed. </p>
<p>He was woken up by firm shaking. Groaning lightly at being disturbed and trying to roll away from the hands. That was, until his groggy mind caught up with exactly what was going on and he shot up so quickly Sif had to move quick to avoid being head butt. "Sif!" he gasped, looking at her with wide eyes, like a deer in the head lights before he continued. "I-I-I... I can..." he could what? How could he possibly explain this in any way that was going to make this okay. Here he was, sitting before her in <i>her</i> dress, with on of <i>her</i> bras on that he had stuffed to make him look like he actually had a chest. This was it for him. She was going to tell Odin about this and it would be the end. His dirty little secret cast out into burning light for all the family to see. Loki had made peace with the fact he was going to be going to hell for how he was. He had accepted it as fact by then. He had just always wanted to go their quietly, privately. Something just between him and God. Now was going to be tormented in life by the hate of his family before being cast down to suffer in death.</p>
<p>"Shut up," Sif said, and her hand clamped over his mouth. Her tone had been firm, but her expression quickly gentled. "I'm not mad at you, dork," after a moment she pulled her hand back and flicked his nose. "But you could have asked before taking my shit," she huffed.</p>
<p>"Please don't tell-" Loki began Sif gave a dismissive gesture of his worries.</p>
<p>"I'm not gonna tell your parents. I don't buy into the whole 'God' bullshit," she shrugged.</p>
<p>"It's not bullshit!" Loki snapped and Sif rolled her eyes.</p>
<p>"Whatever, choirboy. The important thing is, I don't care that you like to dress as a woman, or want to be a woman. You do you," she shrugged. "This isn't really surprising, I mean, I kind of suspected it was you who was disappearing my clothes," she rose a brow at Loki's shocked expression. "Yeah, I noticed. I mean, I only wear my best stuff when I go out with Thor. So when that goes missing I <i>notice,</i>" she chuckled and sat on the bed beside him, a comforting hand on his shoulder.</p>
<p>"I uh... I still have some things," he admitted.</p>
<p>"I know, and I want my pink 'bitch' shirt back," she huffed, giving him a rough shove on his arm. "Anyway, consider this place free ground for the 'you do you' movement. Wanna borrow my clothes and walk around the house? Whatever. Do it. Just don't touch my red bra, and don't get any kind of stain on my clothes or I'll shave you bald," she stood, yawning. "Go on and pick out a pair of my PJs if you want to for the night. Then we should head to bed. I'm beat," she pulled out an outfit for herself, let Loki pick his then shooed him out of the room so she could change. Despite their original plan of bed, the two ended up on the bed together again trying to watch a movie. Loki was the first to fall asleep. In the morning, Loki woke up to the smell of cooking breakfast and his stomach growled. He hadn't even known Sif <i>could</i> cook. Eager for food, though, he stumbled out of the bedroom and towards the kitchen. Rubbing the last of the sleep from his eyes. Sif was sitting at the table with a mug of coffee and Loki joined her, about to ask for his own when it dawned on him they weren't alone in the room.</p>
<p>"Good morning, Loki!" Sif's mother spoke like she was singing, bright and cheery. Loki was about to panic when Sif gave him a signal to calm.</p>
<p>"She's on your side, Loki. If she wasn't, I would have warned you," Sif assured, but Loki was still having trouble relaxing. At least at first. By the time breakfast was half over, Loki had practically melted. Why couldn't <i>his</i> mom be like this woman? Who was busy giving him make up tips, telling him about dresses that would help accent his chest to make it look like he had a bust. Genuinely embracing him. </p>
<p>"Why don't we get you a wig, Loki?" she suddenly offered and Loki blinked in surprise. His hair was already a little long. Almost touching his shoulders. He only got away with the length because of Thor. His older brother had hair well past his shoulders and since Loki spun the story of 'I'm looking up a strong, <i>male</i> influence,' his parents had allowed it. They always liked when Loki got excited about male influences still. "Yeah! A nice wig of long pretty hair and an outfit just for you. Then we can get you out for some girl time," she nodded. Loki's gut instinct was that it was a horrible idea. It was already so much that two people knew this dirty secret of his now, but now they were asking him to go out in public? Yet there was also such a <i>pull</i> to be able to go out somewhere as the person he really wanted to be. </p>
<p>"I know just the place we can go. It's a nice hang out spot. We can get some food, walk around. Great for a girls night. No one will even recognize you! No one in the area will even know you," Sif explained and Loki chewed his lip. </p>
<p>"Can I just have the day to think about it?" he asked and the women nodded, Sif's mother placed her hand on his shoulder and gave a squeeze. For the rest of the day Loki was spent having a series of one sided conversations with God. He warred with himself over whether this was the temptation of the devil or not. He just couldn't picture Sif or her sweet mother being agents for Satan though. It didn't make sense. And if this was put here before him from God, surely then it was a sign to uplift him? God was supposed to build people up, wasn't he? God wanted people's lives to be good. He had friends from school who attended other churches and they always talked about God like he was full of love and understanding. That was certainly the kind of God he wanted. A God that would love him, not one he needed to fear. </p>
<p>By the time he returned to Sif's place, he had made up his mind and upon telling the other women he was presented with the very wig they had been talking about earlier. It was so long, the hair brushed almost to mid back! The same, inky black of his natural hair color. He wondered, if his hair every got this long, if it would be as wavy as the wig was. The rest of the afternoon went by like Loki was in a dream. He got a pretty, olive colored dress with ruffling on the chest and cute, brown, strapy heels. Sif's mother helped him with his make up and then they were off to the harbor area. With little beach side restaurants and a long pier to walk along. It was a popular spot for the LGBT community thanks to club and many shops being owned by well known activists. It had been the place Loki's family usually avoided like the plague. </p>
<p>When they first got there it was a struggle for Loki to even get out of the car. He felt like his heart was going to pound right out of his chest and it was hard to breath. Once he was out, he stuck between the other women like they could shield him. Hiding between them as they walked. Then during dinner he started to calm more, a couple compliments on his dress really helped with that. By the time they went for their after dinner walk, Loki was standing taller, laughing with the other women and just enjoying himself. It was all going great until they got closer to the gay club. There was a large amount of people standing outside of it. People holding up signs and chanting.</p>
<p>"Ug, of course we would come here when a protest was going on," Sif groaned. "Come on, let's cross the street to get around them," she advised and started walking off, her mother beside her. Loki trailed behind, frowning as he watched. Someone turned to look in his direction and their eyes met. The both of them had the same shocked look as they recognized each other. It was the Father of his church. Before he could say anything Loki practically flew over the ground to Sif and her mother. Tears already in his eyes, gasping out her explanation of why they had to leave <i>now.</i></p>
<p>The damage was done, though. It only took an hour before Loki's cell rang and he answered to Odin's furious voice on the other line. They were coming home that night. They demanded to know who Loki had been out with and he lied saying they were friends he met online. He didn't want Sif or her mother to get in trouble for this. Dread made time move so quickly. Too quickly. It felt like it was only a blink before Frigga came to collect him. He suspected Odin was too furious to be able to keep his cool around other people. It was the look of utter <i>disappointment</i> in Frigga's eyes that killed him though. The way her eyes water on the walk home, like she was worried her son couldn't be saved. Her son was <i>still</i> broken. </p>
<p>The family meeting that followed was like a repeat of when he was little, except it was louder and angrier and he had more bruises from Odin. It didn't help that this time he argued back. He tried to defend himself. He wasn't some scared little kid any longer. Loki wound up locked in his room. He could hear his parents and the Father speaking long into the night, but even after he was gone, Loki didn't sleep. He was only spoken to briefly in the morning by Frigga, who told him he wasn't going to school that day. In the afternoon he was finally called down to the living room.</p>
<p>"Boy," Odin wouldn't even use Loki's name and he flinched. "It seems our last attempt to cure you wasn't strong enough," he sighed. "And I am sorry we failed you in that. We should have realized sooner that this sickness inside you was not gone," he was combing his fingers through his beard now. "We've arranged for you to go some place to help you. A place called Faith and Resistance," Odin said and Loki frowned.</p>
<p>"For how long? I'm only free on weekends with scho-" Loki started, but was cut off.</p>
<p>"You won't be going back to school. You'll be moved to Faith and Resistance for a year. Next week we'll be taking you there," Odin explained and Loki panicked.</p>
<p>"You can't just take me out of school and shove me away some place!" Loki cried.</p>
<p>"Loki you gave us no <i>choice.</i> You are sick and this place will make you better!" Odin shouted back.</p>
<p>"I'm not <i>sick!</i> I'm not broken! I'm not a bad person!" Loki snapped, only to receive a slap to the mouth.</p>
<p>"We will have the list of things you will need to pack by tomorrow. Until you have to leave I want you in your room and I do not want you to leave it. I don't want to see you, I don't want to hear you," Odin said, giving Loki a shove in the direction of the stairs. "Go!" he pointed, and when Loki opened his mouth to speak again Odin rose his hand as if to strike him. He closed his mouth, hurt and fuming as he slunk to his room. Once locked inside he sat on his bed, pulling his pillow to his face and screaming into it. When that didn't help him feel any better he turned to his phone and called Thor. The elder didn't answer though, and Loki could only leave a tear filled message.</p>
<p>"Thor... I need help. I really messed up and I need you. Please... Please call me back."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. Part Five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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    <b><span class="u">May</span></b>
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</div>When Loki first arrived at the camp he was absolutely miserable. Not that there had been any other option on the matter as far as feelings went, but he had the extra ache in his heart over the fact he'd never been allowed to say goodbye to Thor. His brother hadn't called him back in time before Loki's phone was confiscated by Odin to be held onto until he arrived at Faith and Resistance. The only reason he was getting it back at all was that it was one of the things the camp had encouraged to be brought over. So Loki had that with the requirement the phone must not have a screen lock on it, and his personal journal which he'd also been encouraged to bring, as well bedding for his room and his suitcase of clothes. Nothing else was allowed to be brought into the camp. No music, no books, not even pictures of family.<p>The camp itself actually looked cheery. The kind of place you'd actually want to be with log cabin style buildings peppered all over with decorative signs over the doors stating what the building was. The family had parked in front of the office and out popped an overly enthusiastic looking man with a smile that put Loki on edge. He looked like a brainwashed level of joyful and made Loki's skin crawl. His voice matched his attitude and he thrust himself into his greeting with Odin with a firm handshake.</p>
<p>"Welcome! Welcome, we've been expecting you all," he turned his grin on all three of the family members. Loki's eyes shifted to Frigga and Odin to see if they seemed at all unnerved about the guy as he did. They didn't seem to be. Loki worried his lip. "Come right on iiiiiin. Come, come! And welcome, again. We are so happy to have Loki here so we can help him," he slapped a hand down on the back of Loki's shoulder hard enough that the boy stumbled slightly. "All we have to do is go over some paper work and then you can say your goodbyes!" they had already gotten into the office and the man moved behind the front desk to riffle through the drawers for papers which it jammed into a clip board and handed over to Odin with a pen. </p>
<p>Loki was grateful that Odin actually was taking the time to meticulously read through all the pages. In his chest there was a little budding hope that <i>maybe</i> Odin would discover something in the text that would make this place disagreeable to him and they would all just pile into the car again and go home. The hope dwindled more and more with each nod and mumble of agreement Odin had with what he was reading and the more pages he read. The hope died when Odin actually signed it, then passed it off to Frigga for her to sign as well. Effective in that moment, his life had been officially signed away. Loki was trying desperately not to cry. Blinking rapidly and breathing more heavily in an attempt to battle back the tears of hurt and betrayal. </p>
<p>Frigga handed the clip board over to the man, who set it on his desk and Odin turned to face Loki. He stared at his son with his lone, cold blue eye. He didn't say anything more a moment before he signed. "Come back better," was his last parting words before leaving Loki with his mother. Frigga, opposite of Loki, hugged him so hard it almost hurt. She nuzzled into his hair and it was almost enough to make Loki break as he clung back to her.</p>
<p>"You can do this, Loki. I believe you can fix yourself," she kissed his forehead. "Write to us, okay? I love you, darling. By the time you come back it will feel like you've hardly been gone at all," she gave a last stroke to his face. There were tears in her eyes as she left Loki and once she was gone Loki had to huff a few times to get control over himself before he was touched again by the happiest creep he'd ever met.</p>
<p>"Alright, Loki-dokes," he affectionately nicknamed the boy. Loki immediately hated it. He hated this man. He hated this place. "We're gonna have to go over a feeeeeeew little things. Firstly I'll need to see your stuff, including your phone," the man was all grins and Loki frowned. He wanted to protest. It was his first instinct, as well as to hide his phone. Except Odin had already mumbled to the guy while signing the papers that Loki had brought the device. So reluctantly he fished it out of his pant's pocket and forked it over. The man produced a little plastic bin from under the front desk and plopped the phone into it. Without even missing a beat after that he had gone over to Loki's other things and started going through <i>everything.</i> </p>
<p>When his journal was found it was plopped into the bin as well and Loki finally spoke up. "Surely you're going to take my personal journal! I need that, it's <i>private,</i>" Loki growled and that man turned that grin on him again. Only it seemed even more fake now.</p>
<p>"Aw, see, there no such thing as private here, champ. We're all open books here at Faith and Resistance!" he laughed, now rifling through Loki's clothes. He took a couple of Loki's shirts, and even a pair of his underwear. They had been Loki's favorite, covered in stupid looking little unicorns and rainbows. They had been a gag gift from Thor. If Loki had known his things were going to be gone through he wouldn't have brought them.</p>
<p>"What is wrong with the clothes you're taking?" Loki demanded of the man.</p>
<p>"Well, sport," that was the <i>third</i> stupid name the man had called him and Loki's sadness from earlier was turning into seething rage. Loki wasn't typically a very violent person, but he wanted to sock that grin right off this weirdo's face. "We don't allow any clothing depicting pictures here, and no patterned shirts for boys," he explained and Loki's fists clenched at his sides.</p>
<p>"I was not informed of that, otherwise I would have packed differently," Loki grit out.</p>
<p>"Ah, but if we told you then we wouldn't be able to assess your personality as well, could we? Like I said, we're open book here!" the confiscated clothes were folded as small as they could be and jammed into the bin, which was then covered with a white lid and set aside. Next a blank journal, a picture with the drawing of an iceberg on it and a binder were all loaded into Loki's hands. "Come on, let's get your things to your new room and I can go over some of the rules with you!" he practically chirped, grabbing the lighter basket of Loki's bed things and leaving Loki to handle his heavier suitcase. The depression was beginning to rise to the surface again. In this whole encounter he felt so privately invaded, offended and like some of his personality had been taken away just like his clothes. His right to that form of expression stripped from him, his inner most thoughts would now be read by some stranger and his phone was going to be rifled through as well! Loki's eyes returned to burning with tears he <i>refused</i> to shed before this man. </p>
<p>Apparently he had been assigned to a room in a building as far from the office as possible, making the long very long. It wasn't quiet though, as the man rattled off all the different rules of the place. Things such as that they weren't allowed to go to the bathroom without permission and supervision. Boys were not allowed to be alone with other boys without a counselor, with the exception of at bed time, and the same went for girls with other girls. Room checks could happen at any moment, day or night. Patrols went on every night, through the night. Breakfast was at six thirty a.m. sharp, and at seven it was a solid two hours of prayer and sermon. Group council was daily, and required. Personal council was weekly, or more frequent upon request. Privileges such as writing letters to home to decorating your room were to be earned with good behavior. All out going and incoming mail would be read and approved before being passed along. All the kids had to take up a sport that was appropriate for their gender. Bad behavior could not only result in the loss of privileges, but an imposed no-contact rule that could range from lack of touch to being ignored completely except by councilors who addressed the child being punished, to even solitary confinement. </p>
<p>Loki was filed with more and more dread as the man continued to go on. He was almost glad when they reached his tiny room. There were two twin beds shoved on either side of the room, at the foot of the bed were small dressers for their things. There was no closet. There was only one small mirror on the wall to share. His side of the room was bare, but his roommates side was decorated with a very western theme. A photo of someone riding a bull hung right over the head of the bed. Loki curled his lip.</p>
<p>"You'll meet your roommate in a little bit. For now, why don't you unpack your bags and get settled," the man suggested, giving Loki one more clap on the back after setting his bed things on the bare bed. He then left the room, closed the door and Loki heard the <i>snick</i> noise of the lock turning. At first Loki could only sit heavily on the bed, staring morosely at the wooden floor. Then the tears finally came. They filled his eyes and rolled in fat drops down his cheeks and dripped on his chin onto the floor. His face bunched up, skin going splotchy as he covered his mouth with one hand to stifle the sobbing that wracked through his entire body. He didn’t know how long he allowed himself to cry like that for, but he knew it wasn’t long enough. He had to compose himself, though. Before the weird man came back, before his roommate was introduced to him. Plus he still had to unpack, though he let himself cry a fair bit through the process of that. Finishing it all only to flop onto his bed, nuzzle into his pillow and wish he was <i>anywhere</i> but where he was in that moment.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. Part Six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
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    <b>
      <span class="u">June</span>
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  </p>
</div>"Whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit," the man spoke very soft and calmly. He had been for the last two hours, actually. As he had done every day since Loki had arrived. His tone one that made people need to lean forward, which made it appear like the room was on the edge of their seats just to hear his word. From Loki's very first meeting with Father Graham over a month ago he had thought the man to be creepy. Not in the same vein as the too happy councilor who had first greeted him, no, this man screamed 'Cult Leader'. He was a very tall man, who liked to tower over everyone. His thin skin almost seemed to be gray, riddled with liver spots all over. Loki questioned if he was even alive sometimes. His long face was wrinkled, especially on his mouth which made him looked like he'd been frowning for all of his life. His eyes were a haunting gray color that would make anyone they landed on squirm uncomfortably. He was mostly bald on the top of his head, but what remained of his snowy white hair on the back and sides was slightly grown out.<p>"Flee from sexual immorality," he was standing almost still as a statue before the kids forced to attend the daily sermon. Except when his hands rose to steeple his fingers before his chest, which gave him the appearance that was similar to a super villain. At least, that was what Loki thought whenever he did it. "All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?" those dead looking eyes roamed over the crowd. Lingering on every one of their faces long enough to make them all squirm in their seats. Judgement radiated from him like an aura in that moment. They were all filthy sinners in his eyes. "You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies," his hands parted, lifting up towards the ceiling to gesture to God Himself. Then his boney fingers curled into fists before his hands dropped and settled into a praying position.</p>
<p>"You have the privilege of having been brought to this place to be saved by Him. You may think this is suffering, no. It is salvation. Change will always hurt," another scan of the crowd. Each child, even Loki the newest to the group, recalled the different hurts they had suffered. Isolation, a couple caneings, being left to stand all night outside with thin clothes and no shoes or socks, being denied meals for days at a time. It all depended upon the crime. Sometimes it wasn't even something someone had actually done. It felt like even the wrong kind of look could send <i>someone</i> into a righteous rage over some apparent sin one of the children committed. So far the worst Loki had suffered himself was losing a number of days of meal privileges. They always waited for the second day to make someone work in the kitchen. Taunting the person with the smell of preparing and cooking food. Anyone caught trying to sneak food got worse punishments and if any other kid tried to sneak someone else food then both parties were punished.</p>
<p>"You must choose a side. One side a revelation, the other an honor known only to a few," his hands parted, gesturing out to the crowd of kids. "Now go in peace. Reflect upon what I have said. Remember, God makes no mistakes. Only you do, and only you can correct yourself and make you worthy of Him," the Father finally released them and the noise of scraping chairs and shuffling bodies filled the room. Father Graham glided over to the door, which was the only way in or out of the building, and made sure to take the hand of every passing child into his own, clammy hands. He squeezed Loki's hand, looked right into the boy's eyes and murmured a quick blessing before fully releasing Loki to go on with his day.</p>
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</div><b>Journal Entry: </b><br/>June 17th,<p>I find myself struggling with this whole iceberg thing. I suppose it's because I struggle to connect anything in my life with being the 'root' of my problems. The sermons don't help, since most of them center around the fact that everything is our own personal fault. So isn't it wrong to try and cast the blame on someone else? I don't find that there is any 'thing' that happened to make me feel the way I do or act the way I do. I just am. It's always been this way, as far back as I can remember. This whole entire situation feels so difficult. I struggle with the idea of sin, with the idea of God hating me, with the idea of anyone hating me. But sin is supposed to be something that hurts someone, is it not? </p>
<p>I can understand why murder, theft, or self harm is a sin. They directly harm a person. Loving another person doesn't hurt anyone. Wanting to be the person you feel like inside doesn't hurt someone. What really hurts is being forced to be cast in the mold of someone else's design. Were we not given free will and minds to think with for a reason? I feel like I am only riddled with more and more confusion with every day that passes. I hate this conflict that I feel and I wish I could turn it all off. It feels like it shouldn't be this hard.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. Part Seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>

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    <b> <span class="u">July</span> </b>
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</div><p>He had been sitting on his bed for the last hour just staring at his mostly blank iceberg. Beyond the tip of the iceberg drawing being filled with the words 'Loki's Gender Confusion'. He was honestly growing so frustrated with the thing that he wanted to just bunch it into a ball and toss it into the trash. Already he'd gotten in trouble a couple of different times when he'd been asked to present it, only to have nothing to actually show. The last time had been his first encounter with being made to stand outside all night. His toes curled just remembering the cold, and how the gravel had dug in painfully into his feet and how tired his body got. It had felt at times like the night guard could read his mind because every time he thought of trying to sneak in a little time sitting on the ground he would show up. Flashlight falling onto his face and blinding him. Ruining the adjustment to the darkness that Loki's eyes had done before.</p>
<p>They weren't supposed to share their icebergs with other people. Only the counselors during their private meetings. But today, Loki had a bit of luck on his side. On punishment to his room for 'looking too intensely at another boy', he had been left behind while the other kids were taken on a hike to 'connect with God'. Thankfully Mr. Smiles, what Loki called the creepily happy counselor, was off with the group. The man left behind at camp was someone that Loki didn't actually mind too much. He was the only worker in the place that didn't either creep him out or look him like he was a walking mass of sin. It was nice to have someone that thought of him as a <em>person.</em> His name was Mr. Bronze, and he had a habit of giving very light punishments. The most tedious thing he'd even given Loki was folding up pamphlets, putting them in envelopes and hand writing addresses so they could be sent out anonymously to hundreds of people to give them a very fire and brimstone explanation of why they needed to turn to God and go to church.</p>
<p>So it made it worth it to do some snooping. He started with his own roommates things. Going through the drawers of his dresser until he located the binder which held his iceberg. The writing was sloppy and a pain to decipher, but he got enough out of it before putting it away and going to the bedroom door. It had been left unlocked so if he needed to go to the bathroom he could poke his head out and call down the hall for Mr. Bronze to escort him to go. In the beginning days of his time at the camp it had been difficult to pee when having someone babysitting you. The stalls didn't have doors at all, all to make sure no one tried to you bathroom time to get any kind of physical relief. Showers were monitored and timed as well, with only cold water available to use.</p>
<p>Loki poked his head out, looking down the hall in the direction of the office room Mr. Bronze was in. He could hear him talking on the phone to someone. Silent as he could, Loki crept out of the room and padded as quietly as possible to the neighboring door. He took a long time to both close and open the door to keep it from making any sound then started his pilfering the drawers of the other kids tiny dressers, as well as looking under their beds. This process was repeated for a couple more rooms, just enough to see a clear pattern with what was actually <em>wanted</em> to be put on the iceberg. On his way back to his own room he nearly had a heart attack when the office door swung open, Mr. Bronze about to come into the hall, only for the phone to ring again and he returned inside. Loki felt like he could have collapsed, but collected himself enough to slip back into his own room. He had work to do. By the end of his listing, his iceberg had actually overflowed into the space around it. It turned out they didn't really want any deep detail of anything. They just wanted the person's different sinful actions listed out and how they contributed to the 'main sin', which for Loki was focused mostly on gender confusion.</p>
<p> </p>

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</div><p>
  <b>Loki's Iceberg: </b>
</p>
<p>• Excessive amount of bonding with mother over womanly tasks. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Lack of physical affection from father. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Lack of a positive male role model to look up. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Trauma from physical abuse. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Too much interest in fashion. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Too much interest in the arts. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Too much interest in fantasy. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Infatuation with team member of old soccer team. Result: Same Sex Attraction</p>
<p>• Spending time with Sif, who encourages sinful behavior. Result: Gender Confusion</p>
<p>• Admiring the male form in inappropriate ways. Result: Same Sex Attraction</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. Part Eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
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    <b>
      <span class="u">August</span>
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</div>It had been many times he had seen the counselor now for one on one sessions. The very first one had been very upsetting. They had gone through everything of his in his personal journal and in his phone. They asked him to explain every contact he had and deleted numbers of 'people he shouldn't speak to' anymore. They made him delete his social media account. They ripped pages out of his journal and highlighted passages from it for him to explain while they drilled into him why it was so sinful to think the way he did. The worst was all the little lines and even a full page of his thoughts and feelings about Thor. Most of it was simply admiration of the blond, but a couple things he had worried about were the reactions of his own body towards thoughts of him.<p>They then spent a long time trying to convince Loki that Thor had somehow sexually abused him and the trauma of it all had infected him with desires for men and confusion in his role as a man. All of it was peppered in with accusations of him no longer being a virgin or looking at pornography, because how else would he know so much about his bodies feelings? They acted like biology books didn't exist. Loki had been disgusted with them and argued the whole way, but it was no use. They wouldn't listen. For a while after Loki feared they were going to call Odin about it. Try and convince him that Thor had done wrongs he was innocent of in order to make sure Loki was never around him again. It didn't seem they ever did though, because such a scandal would have had Odin in a fury that would surely have reached him.</p>
<p>After that it all felt like it was a long series of them trying to convince Loki of things that never happened and attempting to sew hate in him towards everyone in his life. There wasn't a single person who they didn't try to get Loki to point an accusing finger at. The only one they actually got any traction on, however, was Odin. Loki had true, deep anger regarding the man that was supposed to be a father towards him. His actions towards Loki hate been hurtful, made Loki fearful, made him hate Odin and himself. </p>
<p>Today, however, was a new topic even to Loki. The counselor leaned in a little closer to where Loki sat on an uncomfortable, plastic chair and clasped her hands before herself. "Have you ever thought of changing your name?" she asked and Loki looked disbelieving at the question at first.</p>
<p>"Excuse me?" surely she hadn't just asked that.</p>
<p>"You do know the origins of your name, do you not?" the counselor asked with a tilt of her head.</p>
<p>"Well, yes. It's been a very old tradition in my family to receive names related to the gods of Norse myth. My Grandfather Bor and Grandmother Bestla were in the faith until they died," and they had been horrified when Odin had turned to Catholicism. It had been a great shame on the family in their eyes. </p>
<p>"So you see the problem with being named after a heathen god, from a fake religion? How such a thing is a slap to the face to our God?" she pointed out and Loki frowned.</p>
<p>"I'm not-" Loki tried to defend.</p>
<p>"How confusing it must be to be named after that person in the first place. A devil creature who was unfaithful, who used black magic, who caused chaos, who brought war, and his issues with changing genders and having vile, monstrous children which he both fathered and mothered?" she tsked a couple times. "It is horrible to think about how such a thing could have such a horrible effect on you," she leaned in even closer. "I would highly recommend you selecting a new name. You can begin using it here and once you get home you can speak with your father about getting it changed legally?" finally she pulled back, taking a piece of paper off the clipboard that had been resting in her lap and handing it over to him. It was a list of approved names he could pick from.</p>
<p>"I will <i>not</i> change my name!" Loki screamed it, bunching up the paper with trembling hands and tossing it across the room. "I will <i>never</i> change my name. It is <i>mine</i> and I like it. You can fuck off," Loki had stood by then, chair clattering to the ground behind him. The woman tried to grab his arm but he twisted away from her grip and stormed out of the room. He expected the punishment to come when he was finally found again. Dragged out before the whole camp and stripped of his shirt, he was given a long length of braided leather. For every lashing he was to give himself, he had to first state the sin that was the cause of it. By the end of it his back was covered in bruises and welts, with a couple bleeding lines. The sun had started to go down and he was left to stand outside again for another night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Part Nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>
      <span class="u">September</span>
    </b>
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</div>Ever since his outburst defending his right to keep his own name he felt like he had a target on his back. Even the other kids avoided him in fear they would be swept up in whatever trouble Loki was accused of at random. It only compounded the feelings of isolation he was already feeling. He had been put under the no-contact rule. So none of the other kids could do anything. The few little comforting gestures they would all share together were gone for him now. The only time he <i>was</i> touched were firm pats on his still healing back from Mr. Smiles. Loki was beginning more and more to believe that man was actually some kind of demon. Or at least not human.<p>"Well heyyyyy there, Loki-dokes," Mr. Smiles voice cut through tiny bit of peace Loki had managed to find while mindlessly folding pamphlets. The boy tried not to cringe, but he couldn't stop the flinch as the man's hand slapped right between his shoulder blades. If that wasn't bad enough, the next move had Loki's skin crawling as that abusive hand turned to stroke through his hair. It had only gotten longer since he'd been there, having not been given a trim in months. "You know, kiddo, it just wouldn't be very good of me not to give you my honest concerns," he was still trying to pet Loki's hair, but he twisted, squirming away from him. </p>
<p>"And what have I done now?" Loki meant to sound spiteful, angry. Instead he just sounded defeated.</p>
<p>"Well, with your... Condition, and the continued confusion that has been making you so hostile recently, I believe the length of your hair hasn't been doing you any favors. I discussed this with the Father already and he agrees, it's time to get you trimmed up, skipper," Mr. Smiles made a scissor cutting motion with his fingers. Loki pursed his lips, his fingers running through his hair as if he could wipe off the man's touch. It would be nice to get a trim, though. He was a mess of split ends. He had seen some of the hair cuts the girls had gotten from one of the female counselors and while it was no professional cut by any means, it wasn't horrible. </p>
<p>"Fine," Loki gave in with a sigh.</p>
<p>"What a sport, alright. Come with me, you can finish this task later," Mr. Smiles gave him another back slap and Loki grit his teeth as he followed him out to the deck of the building. He was provided with an uncomfortable stool to sit on and draped in an improvised tarp-cape to protect his clothes from the cut hair. While Mr. Smiles left to get something, he let himself zone out. He'd been doing it a lot recently. It was nice to escape into his own head. There he could think of happier times, and lose himself in memories. He thought about Thor the most and wondered how he was doing. He hoped he was getting enough sleep, and not straining himself with too much work and studying. Did Thor miss him? Did Thor know where he even was? Sometimes he dreamed about Thor roaring up into camp and taking him away. He'd jump into Thor's convertible and just leave everything behind. It wasn't like he didn't have anything that couldn't be replaced. </p>
<p>A buzzing noise began to break through his day dreaming and he was just about to turn and see what it was when he felt it hit the back of his head and move up. A large clump of his hair came off and slipped down the tarp. "Wh-what?" he reached behind his head and felt the nearly bald spot, tears forming in his eyes. "What did you do?" Loki croaked, horrified.</p>
<p>"Well, champ, we decided to give you a real boys cut," Mr. Smiles chuckled, batting Loki's hands out of the way and going back in for more. Violent fantasies played out in Loki's mind. He thought about grabbing the buzzer and striking the smile right off the mans face. It wouldn't do him any good though. What was the point of fighting back in this place? How much punishment could he <i>really</i> endure? Loki really didn't want to find out his limits, so he sat, shaking, with tears running down his cheeks as he was given an ugly buzz cut. "There you go, kiddo. Right in time for group therapy," the man put his hand on Loki's head, stroking over his scalp to brush away any stray clippings before releasing Loki from the tarp and giving him a nudge to go off.</p>
<p>Loki felt numb, moving robotically, on autopilot as he collected his binder from his room and shuffled off to the cabin where they held their group meetings. He thunked into his chair, gaze locked on the floor, knuckles white as he gripped his binder. He tried, while he was in his room, to avoid even looking in the mirror. But he'd caught a glance from the corner of his eye. Looks had always been very important to Loki, and now he felt so ugly. Of course they would find something more to take away from him. They <i>always</i> found something to take away. He was barely paying attention as the group finally started. It took the counselor a couple calls of his name before he finally snapped out of it and looked up from the ground.</p>
<p>"We are gonna play a little game, Loki, and I think you just pledged yourself to be up first," the counselor said, standing and grabbing two chairs from where they were folded against the wall and put them on the ground, one facing the other. "In case you hadn't heard what the game <i>was</i> young man, it's a roleplaying game. Come here," he gestured and Loki stood, shuffling like a zombie over to the chairs and sitting on the one he was indicated to sit in. "You look ahead right there to that other chair," the man was pointing over Loki's shoulder at the chair. "But don't see as empty. It's not. Oh no, sitting right there in front of you? That's your father," he insisted. Loki looked dead as he observed the empty chair.</p>
<p>"So what if he's there, what do you want me to do?" Loki muttered dryly.</p>
<p>"Use your words. Spit them out with purpose. Get angry, you are angry with him! Use personal pronouns like ‘you’ wronged<br/>me. ‘you’ showed me sin," the man directed. Loki hesitated, too long for the other man. "Don’t over think it. Nobody’s judging Loki. But God is watching. He’s watching. And He’s waiting," he instructed and Loki narrowed his eyes at the chair. The man claimed he was angry with Odin? For once, the man was <i>right.</i> He was furious with Odin. He struggled, still. He didn't <i>want</i> to play this stupid game. This whole thing was private and intimate. He didn't want to be shouting at a chair with his imaginary father in it with an audience of other kids. "Come on, Loki. I feel you getting angry. You tell him everything he did wrong. You tell him why you hate him! Let it out," the man pressed.</p>
<p>"I... I," Loki frowned, eyes burning as he felt the kids all staring at him. Their eyes boring under his skin and raking over his nerves. This was all because of Odin. Every miserable day here was because of Odin. Every missed meal. Every night in the cold. Every healing welt on his back? It was <i>him.</i> Loki's breathing was picking up, his eyes narrowing. It was like he was actually beginning to see him sitting there. On the chair like it was a throne and he was king of all. Even in Loki's imagination he looked down his nose upon him with disapproval. "I hate you," he finally got it out and the tears finally rolled down his cheeks and inside of him the fury burned like an inferno. He stood, binder dropped, hands fists by his sides as he screamed at an empty chair. "<i>You</i> turned your back on me. You betrayed me. You turned me into the family <i>monster!</i> You denied me. You hit me. You put me <i>here</i> and I hate you!" he was screeching by the end of it, shaking and panting when all of a sudden it felt like everything just left him. The energy and passion drained, leaving behind exhaustion and embarrassment for losing control as he slumped back into his chair.</p>
<p>"We love you, Loki," the counselor said, with an approving ruffle to the top of Loki's head.</p>
<p>"We love you, Loki," the rest of the group chanted together. </p>
<p>"Alright, I think that was a good one. Loki why don't you just go back to your chair. Jasmine you're up next," the counselor said and Loki barely had the energy to get up and back to his chair. Once again zoning out, retreating back into the safety of his own mind until they were finally released and he could return to the mindless task of folding pamphlets.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Part Ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>
      <span class="u">October</span>
    </b>
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</div>The whole situation was causing Loki to feel like he was having flash backs to the fun night out that had turned tragic. There he stood, on the outside of a mob of people holding up signs with written hate, being encouraged to shout out horrible things against homosexuality. The whole camp had been forced to work all day making picket signs for the protest. Drawing out bold letters and pasting down pictures. Loki had put the absolute minimum work into his own and was still absolutely disgusted with himself. He felt like a hypocrite. Had he not gotten furious with the idea of Odin's betrayal of him? Now he was doing this, a betrayal against the people like him. Against the people who would really understand. Just because he hated himself didn't mean he hated any of those other people who had come out with the same intentions that he had that night. They just wanted to have a good time. Still, at first he only wanted to retreat into himself again. He wanted to let himself move like a zombie through the motions and just wait for it all to be over. It was just another punishment to endure.<p>All the kids were jostled in the crowd of their protest. It moved them all around to make sure everyone had their spot in the front of the pack to get into the face of the 'horrible gays' and any other sinners that dared make their way into the gay bar they were shouting before. Loki finally got his moment at the front. Before him were cool headed security there to keep things from getting out of hand and make sure patrons could still get into the building. He watched, wide eyed, as a person who was just like him walked buy. Her prominent Adams apple betraying her natural born sex. Otherwise she looked almost flawlessly like the woman she wanted to be. It was like the wall he had built inside of him broke down. He didn't want to be passive about this, he didn't want to be silent and keep his head down and just let it happen.</p>
<p>"I've had <i>enough!</i>" Loki finally cried out, tossing his sign to the ground and rounding on the protesting crowd. "Is this not <i>disgusting</i> of us? These people are just out here trying to have a good time and enjoy their evening!" his eyes roamed over the crowd of other kids, the Father who was in the center of the group, and Mr. Smiles who was holding up a sign about how AIDs was a message from God that Homosexuals needed to die. "These... These are just <i>people.</i> People we do not know enough to just decide if they are good or bad or sinful or virtuous! Just like <i>we</i> are only people!" he was looking to all of the kids, who were now silenced by his outburst. He pleaded with them in both look and with words for them to join him.</p>
<p>"Doesn't this all seem wrong? Doesn't the hate make you as sick as it makes me sick? I can't be the only one!" he was only noticing a lot of fear from the others. A couple had lowered there signs, but none were making any kind of a move to indicate that would join him in this attempted uprising. "I don't want to hate myself... I don't want to hate anyone. None of us should want to hate! It's not right," he felt a crowd of people forming at his back. He heard the sounds of people who were originally going to head into the bar voicing their agreements with Loki. The shock of the Father had finally worn off from him, though, and he was now winding his way through the scared kids towards Loki. His expression was so calm, but the look in his eyes had Loki panicking. </p>
<p>"Really? None of you will stand up to this?" he had never felt more alone than in that moment. He had never felt as endangered at he did watching the Father get even closer to him. His breaths were coming in quick pants and his heart was madly beating in his chest. The idea of being dragged back to the camp to suffer whatever punishment the Father was thinking of for him made it clear he could not go back to that place. Where else could he go to? Home wasn't an option either. Maybe if he could get to his brother it would be okay? Thor wouldn't turn him over to their parents. Or perhaps Sif would be a better option. She was closer to where he was currently. The idea of hitch-hiking was terrifying. All he had ever heard were horror stories of people being kidnapped, raped or murdered. In the grand scheme of things, though, when he weighed his options it was either be captured by the Father and flung into certain doom or flee into the great unknown. </p>
<p><i>He fled.</i> Bolting down the street away from everyone, supporter and protester. He ran so hard his lungs burned, arms pumping at his sides, legs stretching as far as they could. Even when a stitch formed in his side and he felt like he was going to puke, he kept on. He needed to get to the highway. He needed to get heading South. South was away from the camp and towards the only safety he could think of. It took a while for him to finally stop panicking enough to slow down and be more thoughtful about conserving his energy and figuring out where he needed to go. Asking a couple different people on the street for directions until he finally got put on the right path. He was so nervous to even be walking along the side of a road where people were flying down at high speeds. He stuck as far away from the traffic as the side of the road would allow him and after a little ways of walking he had to pause to be sick on the side of the road. </p>
<p>After spitting the last of the bile onto the dirt he stood straight again and looked forward. A second wind and a deep determination filling him. He couldn't look back, he could only move forward. The idea came to mind that perhaps he didn't even need to hitch hike. If he could just get someone to pull over and let him use their cell phone then he could just call Thor to come pick him up, right? It still took almost an hour for him to actually get up the confidence to start putting out his thumb in the classic gesture of a hitch hiker. </p>
<p>The crisp October day was turning into a bitter night, though. Not having expected to go on the run, he had only put on a light sweater over his long sleeved shirt and was wearing simple jeans. At least his shoes were comfortable to walk in. His free arm hugged his body, rubbing at his side while his other hand continued to try and attract the attention of one of the cars on the road. While regret never crossed his mind about running away from the Father, fear did settle in his chest about how he was actually going to survive a whole night. He was so cold it hurt, his whole body shivering and his teeth chattering. His goal became simply reaching a rest stop or perhaps even a fast food place. Then he could wait it out until the day started and maybe have more luck actually getting someone to let him use a phone in a place where people would actually be walking instead of just zooming by.</p>
<p>The longer he walked the more frustration he felt over not having any way to actually tell the time. How long had he been walking? Beyond knowing he was going in the right direction he hadn't passed by any signs to actually indicate where he was. The darkness felt like it was threatening to consume him and it was so hard to actually find his footing and he found himself stumbling a lot. A car passed by him, going slower than the others normally did, but Loki didn't notice that the car used the divider between the South and North bound lanes to turn his car around to circle back. The flashing lights nearly made Loki jump out of his skin and he whirled around to see a cop car come to a stop behind him.</p>
<p>Relief suddenly flooded through him. If he could trust <i>anyone</i> to help him, it should be a cop, right? He went to meet the officer half way and felt tears fall down his cheeks. "Hey there," the officer said, shining his flashlight onto Loki. He spoke into the walkie-talkie on his chest and a garbled response that Loki couldn't understand came through. It seemed to make sense to the officer though. "Little dangerous to be walking out here like this," he kept his voice even and calm, as if he was trying to talk to some scared animal. "Why don't you come with me? What's you name?" he gestured for Loki to pause before he got too close. "You got anything on you I should be worried about?" </p>
<p>Loki was busy wiping his face and sniffling. "M-M-My n-name is L-Loki. Loki O-O-Odinson," he managed to chatter out to the cop and shook his head when asked if he had anything on him. The cop still gave him a quick pat down before wrapping an arm around Loki's shoulders and starting to guide him towards the car. </p>
<p>"I'm going to take you to the station and we're going to call someone, okay? A kid like you shouldn't be on the road. Do you have someone to call?" he asked and Loki bobbed his head in the affirmative, all too happy to get into the back of the car which was nice and warm. In the safety of the care, with an officer looking over him he allowed himself to lean back and close his eyes. He suddenly felt so tired, and he even almost got to sleep before they reached the station. He was escorted inside, provided with a blanket and a hot cup of coffee. Loki hated the flavor of it, but it was so warm he slurped it down anyway after giving the officer Thor's number to call. </p>
<p>"Hey, we got a kid here named Loki who needs to be returned home," the officer spoke into the phone after someone answered. "Yeah, yeah, he's okay. A little cold and tired," he chuckled and explained what would be needed to get Loki released into their custody and the address of the station. "Okay, we'll expect you soon," the cop hung up and turned back to Loki. "You know, you gave them quite a scare disappearing the way you did," he said and Loki frowned.</p>
<p>"They?" maybe Sif had been with Thor? </p>
<p>"Look, I get it if you were homesick, but it wasn't smart for you to run away from camp. You could have just had them call your parents!" he pointed out and Loki stared at him, dazed as he tried to process exactly what he had just said. When it all sluggishly clicked into place he lost it. His melt down was frantic and violent as he tried to make his escape again. Sobbing hysterically, shaking and trying desperately to twist away from the officer when he went to restrain him. He wound up losing the fight in him about ten minutes after he had been locked into one of the cells. Then it shifted from being frantic and hysterical to nearly catatonic. Curled up as small as he could be in the corner of his cell as he silently cried into his knees and shook. He could hear the Father's voice when he arrived. His sobbing picking up again as the officer came to finally release him back into the custody of the man he'd just run from. </p>
<p>"We've already called his parents to inform them of what has happened. We're going to have Loki call them as soon as he's back in the camp," the Father said so smoothly, but Loki knew his lies. He hadn't called his parents. He wasn't going to get to call them later. Loki was escorted to the camp van by the officer, with the Father resting his hand on Loki's shoulder the whole time. When Loki got into the vehicle he was met with Mr. Smiles, who gave him an even more chilling version of his usual smile.</p>
<p>"Hey there, Loki-dokes. You ready to go home?" he asked as the van door slid behind him.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. Part Eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>
      <span class="u">November</span>
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</div>The first thing that had happened after he was brought back from his run away attempt was an exorcism. Loki spent <i>hours</i> tied down to an uncomfortable bed while the Father screamed in Latin and splashed Holy Water on him. It had been so ridiculous to Loki he had ended up laughing in the beginning, which only redoubled the Father's efforts. When he finally decided Loki exorcised, how he determined it Loki still didn't know, he released Loki to go pray in his room. Loki went to sleep instead. It had been a nice, exhausted sleep with no dreams or nightmares. When he'd woken up with the idea of going to get breakfast, as no one had told him he couldn't eat yet, he was surprised to be grabbed by one of the counselors and dragged off into the meeting hall used for group therapy. It seemed like everyone in the entire camp had shown up for this one and Loki was thrust into the very middle of the group. It seemed the Father had really cooked up a good and interesting punishment this time. Everyone had to come forward, brandishing a bible in hand, and explain to Loki how his actions effected them and how they condemned him with the added twist that they had to beat him harshly with the bible while they did so. Loki noted that they had all made sure to use <i>hard back</i> bibles for this game.<p>After that he had been in a cycle of punishment, catatonia and then lashing out when he finally snapped out of his own head. He would break things, so they would do things to break him. Food was like a distant memory to him. The last thing that actually had some calories in it that he had consumed was the coffee in the police station. It was the weakest Loki had ever felt physically, and it was hard to think and concentrate. He lost his train of thought a lot and struggled to get back on track. Sometimes he just couldn't find the thought again to begin with. It made the punishments to stay out at night in the cold so much worse because now he was cold even when in a heated room with a sweater on. The last time he was put out he found himself wishing he would just die. That the cold would take him and he could just curl up on the ground and leave his body for good. Loki knew very well he was never going to change. He couldn't change what he was. He didn't <i>want</i> to change. </p>
<p>"Helllllllo, Mr. Borrson!" Mr. Smiles voice sing-songed into the phone. Loki had been taken into the office building in order to scrub the floors, a common chore of his now when inside. Typically Loki didn't listen in on the calls, in fact recently Loki didn't do much of anything anymore. This was different because it pertained to his father. It was kind of shocking to Loki, since he was pretty sure Odin would have by now just disowned him and he would be trapped in this place. He couldn't hear Odin speaking, but he wished he could after Mr. Smiles continued to talk. "Well, you see, Loki-dokes has been a little bit of a trouble maker during his stay here," the man's back was to the door, but Loki could see him fiddling with the long, spiraled cord of the phone with one of his hands. Now Odin was speaking loud enough that Loki could hear him, though he couldn't make out the words he was saying. Mr. Smiles only laughed at whatever Odin was saying. </p>
<p>"No, no. You coming to see him would set him back even further. But we did want to inform you of a method we save for our more difficult cases," Mr. Smiles went behind the desk, plopping down into the chair and leaning back. "It's a medical treatment," he said, pausing a minute. "No, no, nooooo. No pills. This is a proven method that works, it's called Electroshock Therapy. Have you heard of it?" murmuring from the other end of the line. Loki was frozen in horror over the very idea of it. </p>
<p>"The doctor we work with has a bit of a waiting list, but we could get him in probably by January. New year, new him, am I right?" Mr. Smiles laughed gleefully at his own joke. "We just need some paperwork signed by you and your wife, but they can be sent through fax. Should I send them over?" a pause, then he made an agreeing 'mhmm' sound. "Very well, I'll expect to see them shortly!" he hung up and the noise snapped Loki out of the stupor that he had been trapped in. He was quick to spiral again though as the more he thought about it, the more his mind just spun in circles, going faster and faster. His heart was beating so hard in his chest it hurt. He wanted to be sick. He couldn't move. Trapped in a cell of his own imagining that was only getting smaller and smaller around him.</p>
<p>Sounds around him were suddenly deafening, so his shaky hands moved to his ears. He couldn't see enough to figure out where to go, he couldn't think well enough to figure out where to go! So he crouched down instead. Sitting in the middle of the hall, rocking, eyes unfocused on the backs of his knees. Somehow someone got through to him, it was Mr. Bronze. The only one of the counselors who had asked if he was alright after his attempt to run away last month. The only one that tried to be nice to him. It was still mostly a blur what even happened, but Loki found himself in his room and on his bed. He wasn't sure how long he laid there, staring at the wall his bed was shoved against. He'd never gotten decoration privileges, unlike his roommate. He had never gotten the chance to let some of his personality shine through. No, they had only wanted to strip of it. Strip of everything.</p>
<p>"I'm going to die here," Loki spoke to himself. He couldn't escape. Loki was decent with direction when roads were involved, but he definitely wasn't the type that could just haul ass into the woods and not get horribly lost. The cops seemed to be on the side of the camp, though. What officer would see a kid having a fearful reaction like that and not think something was wrong? Even if he did somehow get all the way to home, he couldn't really go home. Odin and Frigga would just take him back to the camp, and Thor? How could he burden Thor with any of this. His brother was busy with college and work. He didn't have time to take him in. And Loki was realistic enough to know he was not cut out of living on the streets. </p>
<p>So that left him with two options. He let these people kill him, or at least kill his personality and break him fully or he kill himself, literally. He got out of bed and moved quickly. Moving the furniture in the room wasn't the quietest thing, but he got the door blocked before people came banging on it. Then he took the small mirror in the room and smashed it, picking out a nice shard of it and then just staring at it. Could he really do it? There would be no going back if he did it. What would Thor think if he found out? Would he ever find out? Would Loki just be swept under the rug to be forgotten? Where would he go when he died? He might not think anymore that God would punish him on issues of gender, but he damn sure knew suicide was a sin. He felt the same as he had just before running from the protest. He was on that same edge where on one side was the doom he knew would come and on the other side was darkness and unknown territory. </p>
<p>"I'm sorry," he wished he could tell it to Thor. If he found out about this the blond was going to be crushed. Loki licked his lips, people were jamming their shoulders against the door now to try and force it open. "I can't let them win," he held his breath as he finally sliced into his arm. It hurt a lot more than he was expecting it to and he cried out in pain, tears forming in his eyes. At first instinct he tried to hold the wound to his chest and had to fight it in order to let the blood go. He sat on the bed then, and looked at the crack in the door where he could see Mr. Smiles. He kept waiting for unconsciousness to over take him, and was getting frustrated when it wasn't happening as quickly as he thought it would. The furniture in front of the door was beginning to budge and he managed off the bed and onto the floor to uselessly press himself back into it. </p>
<p>By the time they managed to get the door open enough for someone to slip through Loki was loosing consciousness. His head rolling forward and his body going limp. The thought of regret flashed across his mind. Maybe he could have thought of something better, if he'd just given himself more time. Everything was going in and out of focus, and by the time he was shoved into the camp van he was out of it. When consciousness began to stir in his again he felt the bright, white lights behind his eye lids. Briefly his mind wandered to the idea of himself actually having made it to heaven. Then he actually opened his eyes and frowned at the ceiling of his hospital room. The feeling only spreading when he saw the Father sitting in a chair and reading the bible beside his bed. </p>
<p>"Do my parents know?" Loki asked him and he didn't even look away from his book.</p>
<p>"Odin knows, but as you have survived he has decided the rest of the family doesn't need to know about your poor judgement," the Father turned his page and Loki turned his eyes back to the ceiling again.</p>
<p>"I won't stop fighting this," Loki said firmly.</p>
<p>"Do not mistake yourself for being the first hard rock I have needed to crack," the elder man chuckled and stood. "I will ask the doctor when we can take you home."</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. Part Twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    
<p></p><div class="center">
  <p>
    <b>
      <span class="u">December</span>
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</div>He had tried shutting himself down. He had tried running. He had even tried killing himself. The human mind typically had two responses to situations that were dangerous. One was flight, something that Loki had now failed at doing three times. The other was to fight. <i>The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.</i> Running had put him in a circle of pain that was only dragging him further and further down. His road would become a short one if he didn't do something. Loki could see it. He could see it in his too skinny frame, in his own sunken eyes, in the red, infected, itchy skin that was hidden under a thin layer of dollar store gauze that had been haphazardly wound around his injured arm. In all the months he had been in the camp, he'd never seen a single kid go home, and he'd met kid who had been there months ahead of him. The last time someone 'left' to his knowledge had been a kid who had successfully killed himself a couple months before Loki had arrived. In fact, it was his empty bed that Loki ended up getting assigned to.<p>Running wasn't working in this situation he was in, but he knew he couldn't fight alone. He did have to <i>fight</i> though. It was unavoidable. So he threw himself into it. Since his attempted suicide he'd been on twenty-four seven watch. He couldn't be without a trusted 'buddy', which was one of the kids in good standing with their <s>cult</s> camp leaders, or a counselor. Currently he was doing chores in the office building with Mr. Smiles looking over him. It was just the two of them in the whole building and the man was busy talking on the phone with his back to Loki while the boy was shredding a pile of letters to parents that would never be mailed for whatever reason their Dear Leaders came up with. </p>
<p>He decided he needed noise to cover up the quick plan of action he was cooking in his brain. On the desk next to the paper shredder was a stack of continuous paper. He put it in front of the shredder, pushed the first paper into the slot and let the machine busily begin chewing through it. It was noisy and made it sound like Loki was still just doing his job when instead he was creeping over to a shelf against the wall which had a heavy statue of Jesus as a center piece. His arms shook from the difficulty of even lifting the thing, but he was <i>determined.</i> His first swing of the statue didn't hit where he had planned. Instead knocking Mr. Smiles on the shoulder, making him drop the phone and cry out in pain. Loki was already preparing to swing again as he turned around. </p>
<p>Loki was holding the statue by the head and the thick base connected with the other man again. This time on his chest, knocking him to the ground. Loki nearly screamed as he swung a third time and finally connected with Mr. Smiles head. Then he lifted it a final time and let it smash down on his face. Loki was still for a moment, watching Mr. Smiles to make sure he wouldn't move, he didn't care if he was dead or not, just as long as he didn't <i>move.</i> He didn't and Loki breathed out a sigh of relief and dropped the statue, going for the ring of keys on the counselor's hip and rushing to the little closet that held all the items the camp had confiscated from the kids when they first arrived at camp.</p>
<p>His heart pounded wildly the entire time it took to find the right key and by the time he had he was shaking so badly it took several tries to even get it into the lock and turn it. With the door finally open he flung himself at the many tubs of things. Pulling them down, ripping off the lids and casting them aside until he finally found <i>his.</i> He tossed out the band shirts and uncovered his phone. Chest heaving with his frantic breathes as he turned it on. Eyes constantly going from the phone to the unconscious, or possibly dead, man on the floor. The screen finally loaded. There was only 30% battery left, but it was plenty for what Loki had in store. He tapped out the familiar number of Thor's cell by heart and prayed his phone hadn't been shut off. He needed a way to be able to get a hold of Thor later. </p>
<p>It rang. Relief flooded through Loki. It rang again. And again. Fear began to spike inside of the boy. Surely Thor would <i>answer</i> him right? Thor hadn't forgotten about him or sided with Odin and Frigga? "Loki where are you?" was the first thing Loki heard when Thor finally answered. The boy crumpled to his knees, sobbing loudly as he cradled the phone to his ear and blubbered out something unintelligible. "Loki <i>listen to me.</i> Listen, you need to breathe. Can you do that for me? Breathe with me, in and out," Thor instructed, making his breaths loud enough for Loki to hear on his end of the line. It took a couple minutes and few more failed attempts before Loki finally got out the address of where he was.</p>
<p>"Thor, I hit him... I hit him really hard and he’s bleeding and not moving,” Loki sobbed. “I can’t stay in the camp but they’re going to call the cops on me,” and he was absolutely certain they wouldn’t charge him. No, they’d only want to keep him at the camp to ‘save him’ some more with whatever other tortures they could come up with. </p>
<p>“Can you go anywhere to hide?” Thor asked, the sound of Thor passing through a door on his end could be heard and then he was speaking to someone else. Loki caught the name ‘Sif’. </p>
<p>“Y-You’re with Sif?” Loki sniffled.</p>
<p>“Yeah, we’ve been looking all over the country for you,” Thor explained and gave Sif the address that Loki had provided him with. More doors opening and closing, the sound of a car turning on. “Can you stay on the phone with me?” Thor asked.</p>
<p>“Yes,” Loki could spare a little battery to keep on the line with Thor. He <i>needed</i> him in that moment. Needed his voice, needed the steady, calm breathing he was still expressing over the phone.</p>
<p>“Where can you hide there?” Thor asked.</p>
<p>“Um... There are some trails in the woods that I know, but I don’t know if cell service would work there,” Loki frowned.</p>
<p>“It’s going to take a couple hours for Sif and I to get to you, you go into those woods and you stay hidden in them. In two hours, find a spot with service and try to call. You don’t have to say anything, just call and I’ll let you know how far I am. I’ll stay with you until you lose service,” Thor said.</p>
<p>“Just don’t stop talking to me,” Loki pleaded, and decided to hop out the back window of the building that was closer to the forest. He only got about five more minutes with Thor before the service cut out and Loki had to cover his mouth to keep from sobbing loudly. He wished he new more of the trails better, but he had always been on punishment so much he hadn’t gotten to explore them as much as other campers. In the distance he could hear the speaker system of the camp crackling off but he couldn’t hear what was being said. He kept on the move regularly, hiding himself as well as he could in bushes when he needed to rest, checking his phone for the time every time he stopped. Finally enough time had passed and Loki nervously crept back towards the camp. Only going as far as he needed to get just enough service to get in his call.</p>
<p>“We’re almost there, try and get to the road, but stay in the brush until you see my car. We shouldn’t be long. If you aren’t at the road by the time we get there, we’ll come in for you,” Thor promised. “So stay on the line if you can,”  Thor said softly. Loki didn’t answer, but his breathing indicated he was still on the line as he navigated the way towards the road that was at the front of the camp. He was actually growing hopeful, something he hadn’t felt in such a long time. He could do this, he believed in Thor, he believed in Sif. They were coming to save him. He reached a small clearing between the maid forest and where the bit of scrub and trees along the road was and he booked it. So focused on running forward he didn’t see the tank of a man who was sprinting at him from the camp itself. The man was a recent hire to the camp, and Loki was positive he was only on staff to brute-strength his way into managing any child that got out of line. It was excessive force, considering all of their weakened states. He hit Loki like a truck and rolled with him across the ground. Easily pinning to malnourished boy to the ground and hiking Loki’s arm so high up his back he screamed. </p>
<p>“Let me go! I don’t want to go back! Let me go!” Loki wailed, wheezing into the dirt. The man pulled a radio off his belt and was trying to hail the other counselors on it. Loki heard the screech of tires on the road though and began screaming again. He screamed for Thor, for Sif. He prayed it wasn’t a cop car he had heard. Then suddenly the weight of the man on top of him was gone. He panted to catch his breath again and looked over to where Thor had tackled him. With a ferocious exchange of fists, Loki’s captor was knocked unconscious and Thor was on his feet again, scooping up Loki with ease and bolting for his car where Sif was behind the wheel. Thor jumped over the door of the convertible and into his seat, Loki in his lap while Sif peeled off down the road. </p>
<p>It took a while before Loki actually had the nerve to peek over Thor’s shoulder. The camp was long out of sight by then, and Loki slowly began to relax and slump into Thor. “It’s alright, little brother,” Thor whispered, nuzzling into Loki’s hair. “I’ve got you, now, and I’m not letting go.”</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>This is the end! At least for this part of the story. Please look out for one shots that might pop up for different stages of Loki's life!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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